Autism, One Woman’s Journey of a Later Diagnosis at 50

And The Feeling Goes
Looking Out Wonder, Unto the Horizon I’ve come to the conclusion of better days ahead with a healing of my 7year old inner child. Why did it take me so long to figure it out, that the drama, chaos, indifference, was ruining my life. So, with many, many accidents in life, I am choosing to pursue and live a productive, loving ❤️, caring life. Enough with bullshit, enough with not loving myself. I choose a better life, and my Village and friends you can too. Let’s create a movements of compassion, reflection, love ourselves and others. We can do this my friends. Buy a coffee for someone, take the time to listen, with a tender ear. My friends, my autistic journey, is discovering myself, and living and loving ❤️ myself all the same. So I say I love Jay, I love Lyle, I love Mom and Dad, I love Josh, I love Maria and I love you all. You are my people and thank you, thank you for taking the time to visit my blog. This year 2023 I am hoping to get my book published 🙏. Hope for the best, wish Me luck. Your friend, Amy L. Bailey Author and Blogger since 2022 😊
To the Moon and Back
Christmas
Letting Go In times of great despair can have such an impact to each and everyone’s syche. If we are struggling for which ever reason, we should first feel the feeling and sometimes I have know idea what the feeling is. Because you all know, my Autism Journey is not understanding all feelings to all people. I often take time to reflect now on the analogy or learning mechanism to understand the problem or feeling on hand. It may not be understood by some, and is different not the same. And of course, people as you would say in the normal world. You took the long road traveled on that one. But thus is how my brain works. And I’m a forever changing Individual through the eyes of my psychiatrist, my Mom, my love, and myself as who I know me to be! So what does this mean all together. Well it can mean a little differently to us all. But to us all is a gift called living. And to me this can be very hard at times, but very important values to live by as well. I know I’m being very vague here, but to me I’m evolving into this new, improved version of me. And I’m OK with that, I’m proud of myself, and my work of Who I’m becoming. If I didn’t have the Lord at all times to help Me, make my important decisions on thus journey called life. Then it’s a given, I’m going to be OK and the people I love are also going to be OK. Plus the people whom I love who I had to put on hold, are also going to be OK. And my Village, we today are all indebted to being OK. I choose to live a simple but beautiful journey to understanding Me and my walk as the Given one’s deciple to a better life. God bless everyone and Merry Christmas. Jesus Is The Reason For The Season Amy L. Bailey Author and Blogger since 2022
Hardship at Christmas
My Autism Journey
As I Was sitting here looking at my life of loss, abuse, neglect, abandonment and persecution to be ones slave. I realized, I have a choice. It’s my destiny to fill, not anyone else’s. I’m the avenue to a better me, as a person of persecution,to a person on a journey, to recognize myself as an angelic but sinner to serve as a daughter of my Lord and to be a good human being. My earth father loved me, but denied my right as a daughter, to be who I was. And I was differently different, from others. Now I know why, because I was autistic, but didn’t know it, as I explained, previously in blogs, and finally, I was diagnosed at 50. I just walked away from a father I always knew, because a occurrence of abuse from him, to myself. I will never, in a day, go back to the memories of my childhood, to see him again! I hope the Lord understands my reaction, and God, keep my soul from despair. I’m only human, I have not any siblings any longer either, due to my outward, 31 year abusive relationship, to now my dead ex husband. I know longer have children, due to my ex husband, their father. As I say this, they are getting ready at thus moment to lay him to rest. I can’t be there, nor want too, for my own mental health. So my love person J said, it’s just you and me, with conflicted noise coming from his deep baritone voice. I feel him envios, I suppose. But at thus time, I don’t care much. I choose me today, know one else, but me! I was supposed to be taken care of, by my ex, but he graciously changed his mind and put life insurance and all necessary supports, in our youngest daughter’s name. What a beautiful man he was? Not! So I’m going to struggle with his debt, know money, memory of a 31 year mental and physical abusive relationship. Oh my, how lucky I am! I I shouldn’t be surprised at all, but my naivete, gets the best of me, always. So what to do with thus mess 🤔 I was handed? Well first and foremost, change my thoughts. That is very difficult being autistic, either black and white thinking. But a must, I have to do,to survive. I’m my own person, I can look at it negatively, but who am I hurting? Not anyone else but myself. So I need to change again. Yuck, this is hard. I’m not seeing my father though, when he grabbed and shoved me multiple times, my little body was hurt physically and emotionally. I was such a good girl too all my life! But the man that is responsible for half of my DNA, is responsible for making me marry my ex. Because of a mistake I got pregnant and abuse from my new partner, almost started immediately. Well like father like son, that’s a story that is so deep and came out months ago, but will be hidden for the rest of my life, it broke the family unit apart. My family unit as I knew it, growing up, Destruction! I didn’t mean too, I’m sorry everyone. But I have a voice and my voice will be heard indifferent, all the same. I am my Mother’s daughter and will always be. That’s all I have to say about that. God bless everyone, take care of one self and be prepared for emotionally ups and downs this coming Christmas season. Take many moments of clarity and be one with the moment, at times. Because, we are all worth fighting for. God bless, and have a blessed weekend.
It Looks Like a Piece of Heaven and I Live Here. Not many people can say they live on an Island that has 4 Seasons to count for the year. But ever since I was a child, I have been drawn to the woods of my Island. I’ve also been drawn to it’s huge Atlantic Ocean as well. But enough Said about that. In my thoughts I’ve been having and to deal with, I have appreciated the thought that life is like a Winters storm, or a tropical force wind, that is not expected, but comes anyway! Good or bad, shit, happens. It was a week of many, many feelings. My love, is not well, as I blogged, earlier. My Dad is in mere, last stages of memory and didn’t know me the other night. And I’m personally struggling to understand, people’s feelings and my own thought process of life and change. It’s thought provoking, isn’t it! But as a woman with Autism, and I have this detailed, experience to come forth in my life. It’s awesome, after I ironed out, a bit of the fine print. But it seems to arrive at the wrong time in my life. Everything I have something good happen, Something bad happens in gallows, to stop it, and poisons my reaction, to do it. My fault, know one else’s, but all the same, it’s shitty, thinking. And then addictions can come into play like history repeating itself, depression, OCD, and that beat, will continue for awhile, to endure. Well, it Could, But It won’t, or I won’t let it happen! I’ll try not to anyway. It’s there, in the midst, to take a walk too, negativity, but I choose differently. I get to choose now, with a new day, a beautiful Fall day, in my small city and my small Island. With the beauty all around us, My Lord, is also hovering around in wait, to do his Devine nature in my life, to join ❤️ thus new Autism world, I’m about to embrace. New Autism world you ask, 🤔, well new diagnosis in Dec 2021, New to me. But, knowing I was differently different all my life, and my understanding of life was always child like, but I was called an old soul. And blunt to boot! But probably being blunt, at the wrong time, mind you, all in the same. Always, made people’s thinking of me, what the Heck is she thinking or what is she all about? It hurt and still hurts when the normal world doesn’t get me and I don’t get you at all. I try so hard, and I resay my words to make sense, but in the end I get yelled at, because I made a mistake and you didn’t understand. And then I over compensate in the apologies, then I make people mad again! Can people just give me a break, and understand my understanding of you and your world is limited at best, and I’m doing the best I can do, to be the best person I can be. This scenario, is why I think Autistic people have such a high rate of suicide. We just try so hard, and studies done throughout the world show, a mere 54 years as a woman with diagnosed Autism, seems to not have a long life capacity, or like I like to say, not a long shelf life. But, In the long roads we travel, or are before us, we can choose somehow to live it. It’s going to be hard and but beautiful, all at the same time. It is a two-way journey or black and white thinking. But today I choose the color I see in the foothills of the picture below, of the ever cascading beauty, of my Island. Today I will love and be loved and I will give myself the permission, to be vulnerable and be accepted. Please try the same for yourself today, everyone! For we, are all, so very special and unique. And for some of us will make a difference, and some of us will decide other, better, things. But choose to be loved today and to live and love your people, as well! Amy L. BAILEY (Author and blogger)
I’m Going Somewhere